I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”