where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.