would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
You Might Also Like
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.