The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
You Might Also Like
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.