I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I put the mess in domestic.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend