I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
This could’ve been an email.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*