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In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know