HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.