“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Oh deer
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming