I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Gods work.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks