Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Oh no
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
some things should go without saying
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?