Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
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*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space