It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
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Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Guantanamo Bae
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you鈥檙e twisted, but you鈥檙e expected to hold a lot of things together.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Art by Pastelkatto
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we鈥檙e on the same page, 6
me: we don鈥檛 need to get there an hour early
dad: we can鈥檛 arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don鈥檛 understand
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it鈥檚 impossible to pronounce if you鈥檙e choking.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it鈥檚 the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.