Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.