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[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.