Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
This took me a second..
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.