i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Beware of fowl play.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey