If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*