You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Born to be mild.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Lmao the reply
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.