what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Twitter is an abusement park.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
So we got a goldfish…
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.