Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
You Might Also Like
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.