pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*praying for world peace*
God:
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
The prophecy is fulfilled
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having