13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.