We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.