1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
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COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
She was REALLY feeling it.