Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.