My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn