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If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red