thinking about a very short hotdog
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Meow
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT