my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.