Somebody call the cops.
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I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
The pen is writier than the sword.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening