My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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dutch so unserious
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
What do you hear?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!