Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL