How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
lost dog
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand