“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go