Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
bad news gang
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒