Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
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YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
A little too much information.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.