It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
☠️☠️☠️
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar