I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM