Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Realize this:
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek