I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.