wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me