My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.