Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
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This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors