A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.