me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
You Might Also Like
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.