It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
58.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Stick it to the man
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.