How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The Punning Dead.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I love art.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”