There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Sending in my taxes
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
my one true gender
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.