This pepper has seen some shit
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.